Okay, judging from the feedback I have received from all you fine readers, it’s obvious that my first rant either didn’t cause enough controversy or that everyone just skimmed my column. Well, I say read carefully this time and drop me a line to tell me what you think. I am here to enrich your life; only you can show me the way. Stop shopping for once and actually take some time to read this great work of literature. Once you are done, you can go about moving like cattle, going about endless shopping malls and rubbing elbows with all kind of shoppers. (Guilt-Free Plug: Instead of wandering aimlessly among hundreds of other zombie shoppers, why not shop online at one of our fine stores right here on AsianMall.com! * bright smile * Come on! Sites such as AsiaFoods.com have great products such as tasty Japanese snacks to fill any munchies cravings anytime of the day!) Now that the obligatory plug for my section is complete, let’s go on with today’s big, fat serving of nonsensical attitude and witless wisdom.

I have this article clipped and framed on my bedroom wall. You have no idea what kind of power it has given me. Many times, when a lady friend is over at the house and complains about anything regarding my behavior, I calmly point to this framed literary masterpiece and they quietly sit down and hush up. I still remember that fateful morning: I got up and fished through the San Francisco Chronicle and there lay this article -- staring right at me, daring me to read and use it’s content as a means of glory for all of mankind.

In this illustrious example of journalistic work, a writer from the Associated Press relays discoveries made at the Indiana University School of Medicine that shows men listen with only their left side of the brain while women use both sides to process thought. In an experiment conducted, MRI scanners were used to show researchers the amount of blood flow to the brains in both male and female volunteers while they listened to an audio recording. Needless to say, the results were interesting: Listening resulted in increased blood flow in the left temporal lobes of the men’s brains. In women, both temporal lobes showed activity.

Basically, this article reinforced what men have known for hundreds of years -- that we can’t, won’t, and do not want to listen to you women talk when we are watching the foot ball game on TV. This is not limited to just football though -- men simply do not like it when you ladies bother us when we are on the computer, playing a video game, reading the paper, or on the phone with our ex girlfriends. Now, don’t get me wrong here, I love the company of women; I do enjoy talking to them and spending time with them. (Whom else can I get to watch Friends with me?) What I do not like, however, is when the ladies pick the * most * inopportune time to decide they want to talk. I remember the days when I would just lounge around my ex girlfriends’ house. It would be down right boring in the afternoon and I would lie in bed while she read a book-not one word was exchanged between us. But of course, the very moment I would turn on the TV to watch my WWF (that’s pro wrestling to ya) show, a foreign object would get between my line of sight with the television. Sure enough it would be her standing in the way and spouting off some diatribe about me not paying attention to her.

Well, now that science has proven that men are not capable of paying attention to two things at once, all of us men can let off a collective sigh of relief. We no longer have to try to scramble to come up with excuses when we are out drinking with the boys and forget to call the girlfriend at night. Because of our fine friends over in the Science academy in Indiana U, it is laid out very clearly to our female counterparts: men can’t do two things at once. If we are out drinking with the guys, or watching the big game on TV, we may forget to call you, or cuddle with you, or even think about you. But this is * not * because we don’t love you! Rather, because of proven medical testing, men can only concentrate on one thing at a time. So ladies, don’t blame us when you say that we don’t care, or forget about, or neglect you... blame our right temporal lobes for not functioning right.

But hey ladies, at least half a brain is better than no brain at all right? Otherwise, you’d be dating an emotion-less vegetable, or Steven Seagal.

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