Just saw the remake of Shaft with Samuel L. Jackson last night. So far, favorite movie with my boy Jules, next to Pulp Fiction of course. I am a sucker for good dialogue, and this movie had it in droves. One of my favorite exchanges occurred between John Shaft and this attractive bartender.

Bartender Lady: You want to come home with me tonight? It's been a while.
Shaft: You mean you want to be held...or do you want the LD?
Bartender Lady: I want the LD baby, and then I want to be held.
Shaft: You know me... it's my duty, to please...

All I want to know is... what's a LD?

Okay, I know that most of you already know that ending line, so I won't say it. Also, because I will never be as cool as either Richard Roundtree or Samuel L. Jackson, I don't feel right about reproducing all of Shaft's lines on my humble page. Why does Shaft always get the girls? How can I get the girls to fawn all over me by just saying a few pick up lines? Maybe I should shave my head and grow a goatee. I could wear all black and sneer at everyone. Wait a minute... if I dressed like that, I would look like every other silly looking Asian gangster named Kim Chee or Hung Low portrayed in all those B-movies with Jean Claude Van Damme. *Ohh*... don't get me started on Mr. Chinese Director Career Killer himself, or else we are all never going to get this done. Maybe I will save my little feelings for Jean Claude "Wham-Bam-Thank You" Van Damme for next time.

*sigh* Okay, the boss is coming, so I guess it is time for AJA's obligatory plug of the day. *beaming with pride* Have you ever wondered what it would be like to dress in exotic clothes from the Far East? Do you know what a pareo or sarong is? A fashion staple in India and other Asian countries for decades, now you can enjoy these styles for yourself! Dress yourself up in luscious silks, scarves, and wraps. Look just like Ghandi, only better and much sexier. Go to AsianMall's Fashion and Accessories section and check out inwrapture.com, by Julia Grant. *mirror breaks* Okay, now on with the show...

In today's serving of nonsensical attitude, I want to divulge upon the three little words uttered by you ladies that can turn us men into a fit of frenzy and agony. No... it is not "I Love You" or "It's Your Baby". Cower in fear my fellow men, for I am about to unleash the plague of the female vocabulary--words that will hollow a man's very soul out from its very depths. I am talking about the dreaded phrase,"But I just want to be friends." Okay, before everyone starts firing out those emails, let me point out that I know I mentioned "three little words" yet the phrase is seven words long. However, the unlucky male recipient of those dreaded words typically hears only three words, just... be... friends. Your heart stops beating, and the world crashes around your perfectly crafted existence. Well, if we men could all be Shaft, we wouldn't care, but since none of us can be the cat that delivers ten times out of ten, we will have to examine why these words that strike us right here -- *puts hand on his heart*.

I am not trying to downplay the importance of "I love you" or "It's your baby". Real love is wonderful, especially in massage parlors and knowing that it's your baby can be either joyous or nauseating (depending on your position). At the very least, they present you with a clear set of choices, and a well-defined goal. When the phrase "Just be friends" is uttered from a woman's lips, she is essentially shooting you down, while showing enough interest to keep you around just in case she needs you later. What in the world does a man do when immersed in this most unholy of situations? Do you grab her and commence some form of physical assault that will land your stupid buttocks in jail next some huge man who looks like Donkey Kong? Or maybe you should look sad, nod your head like Al Gore and concede defeat, submitting yourself to her demands, doing everything for her while not getting a crumb. Hey ladies, why do you always do this to us guys? We can't just be friends if we are interested in you! No, I am not saying that men and women can't have platonic relationships (I have perfectly good lady friends at the local gentlemen's club). It's just that ladies often choose the wrong time to let us know they are only interested in our friendship, and not anything else. Why not tell us before we even go out? Why tell us after a month of casual dating, escalating hopes, and aspirations for a serious relationship (or a one-nighter)?

I really don't have an answer to this one folks, this is one problem that boggles even the greatest of minds, namely my own. Even your truly was subjected to this sick and twisted torture. I'd rather be stuck at a marathon taping of the Jenny Jones show with both Roseanne Barr and Al Roker sitting on my lap while little leprechauns looking like the King of Pop tap dance on my head. All AJA can tell you is that there are many vague and foggy paths you can take after being hit by the big one. Oftentimes, a woman will hit you with those words because she wants to test you and see if you are really interested in her, or just a body part. Now, as much as I hate tests, (evident from my GPA in my college days) this is actually the best scenario. Just play it cool and stick it out; you'll be fine in no time. Another situation could possibly be that the girl plainly is not attracted to you and wants to let you know in a nice way. Perhaps she wants to tell you that she'd rather date a camel, but feels sorry for you, so she tries to break it to you gently. In this circumstance, just politely ask her to get out of your car in the middle of the freeway and proceed on home. After several court injunctions and hateful messages left on your answering machine, you will be fine as well. The absolute worst situation is when she doesn't know herself whether she likes you or not, but still demands that you still be nice to her and treat her accordingly. This just leaves everything in limbo, with no clear understanding of where your relationship is going. You'll be more lost than our new president in the Congressional Library.

The morale of the day is to never trust women. All men should move up into the hills and become hermits. We shall cut off all relationships with females, and swear off interaction with them forever, unless it is Friday and 2 for 1 night down at the local Singles Bar.

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